Tips for Young (and not so young) Players

People often ask me questions like:

“What makes a good relationship?”

“Which relationships last?”

“What do good and lasting relationships have in common?”

“What should couples avoid if they want their relationships to last?”

My initial response is “Hmmmm. Those are very difficult questions. Every relationship is different”.

I guess that’s not very helpful though, is it?

Reflecting on a very long career in social work, psychology and mediation, I’ve decided there are actually some tips that I can share. They are based on the cumulative experiences of my clients over the years.

Beware the “Opposites Attract” phenomenon

How often do we find ourselves wondering what has drawn an apparently unlikely couple together? What do they see in each other? What do they share? How did they meet? What keeps them together?

There is no doubt that most of us find something fascinating and attractive about people who are the yin to our yang, the ebony to our ivory. Perhaps we see in them the introverted contemplation missing from our extroverted sociability; or the attention to detail that we lack by virtue of our “big picture” view of life. Perhaps they love the great outdoors and physical pursuits, whereas we would prefer to curl up in front of a fire with a book, glass of red wine and Mozart playing in the background.

They might have been raised in a different culture that we see as exotic, interesting and challenging. Maybe their family life is very different from ours – loud, warm humorous and effusive compared with quiet, serious, polite and academic.

Expanding Horizons

Often there is a sense that by coupling with people who are quite “different” from ourselves we are in fact completing ourselves by expanding our horizons, our skills our social groups – our anything or everything. And sometimes the outcome for both is amazingly positive and growth enhancing. The extroverts become more reflective and develop their emotional intelligence, the introverts learn to reach out more without expectations or anxiety, the hothouse flowers engaged in the gentler arts discover the exhilaration of physical activity and their more athletic partners learn to sit still and enjoy a game of Scrabble or reading a book.

Enhance or Divide?

Frequently though, when relationships fall apart, it is only too obvious that those differences which were so attractive in the first instance have, over time, became thorns in the side of one or the other or both parties.

The arguments over: whether to save for the children’s education and for a world trip at age 50 or to “eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die”; How to prioritise the expenditure of time. whose job it is to look after the domestic chores; whether to join the local church or the bushwalking club; whether the home should be decorated eclectically with mementos everywhere from different stages or life, or should be super modern and minimalist in design; and so on. The list is infinite.

The Continual Adventure

So how do we make sure we find someone as similar as possible to ourselves? Well, there lies another story. I’m afraid the answer is not that simple. Life should be a continual adventure. There is not much excitement in spending your life with someone who does everything you want to do and agrees with everything you say. (Perhaps some might disagree with me on this).

Celebrate your differences

I believe the answer lies in the age old adage, “Live and let live”. Those who continue to celebrate the differences can, and often do, have rich and fulfilling lives both when together and apart. The differences enhance rather than divide.  The negotiations that occur in resolving differences of opinion forge greater connection and respect and the equality implicit in alternating the “wins” reduces the otherwise inevitable power struggle which will, in the end, be resolved in one of a few possible ways:-

By one party succumbing to the dominance of the other; by resignation to a permanent state of conflict with brief moments of harmony; or by estrangement from each other – either within or by ending the relationship.

Food for thought!

Denise Britton is a Psychologist, Mediator and Co-Founder of Brisbane Mediations. Denise offers Counselling and Family Therapy, Mediation, Conflict Coaching and Facilitated Discussions services in her role with Brisbane Mediations.