Time to Talk Part 1: Where and when to have a difficult conversation with your partner
Need to have a difficult conversation with your partner? Denise Britton explains why you should ditch the phrase "We need to talk....." and instead follow our tips for when and where to have the conversation.
Be honest. Don’t disguise it as something else – for example, by going out for lunch then bringing it up over the entrees. Make it clear you want to have that chat. Try saying: “I know we’ve been disagreeing over X,Y or Z so how about we go out for lunch on Wednesday and talk things over?”
Get your timing right. Try to avoid having the talk before or after other emotionally charged events. Discussing tough topics after yelling at the kids about tidying their rooms or getting homework done might not be effective.
Take time out. Be sure to have your chat somewhere where you can both call time out if you need it. Nobody likes to feel trapped. No more sensitive conversations in the car please!
Think it through. Think things through before you open up about what is troubling you. Remember the old “count to ten” advice so you don’t launch into an emotional discussion when you are feeling bruised and upset by something your partner has done, said, not done or not said.
Timing is key. Remember you’ve been thinking this over for a while and might feel ready to proceed, but your partner might need time to process it all before sitting down to have a D and M (deep and meaningful) about it. In other words, try not to put him/her on the spot and expect a chat there and then.
Kid free zone. If you have kids then having them in bed or at school or play dates at the time of the chat is a good idea. We all know the distractions and stress that can be created by our darling rugrats.
Get match-ready. Make sure neither of you is hungry, intoxicated, over-tired and unwell when you have this conversation. You don’t want to sabotage the talk before it starts.
It takes two to tango. Finally, at the risk of seeming trite, remember it takes two to tango. You both need to be on board to make this work. If your partner resists or openly objects to such a discussion, despite your best efforts, then you may need to go back to the drawing board about your options.
Denise Britton is a Psychologist, Mediator and Co-founder of Brisbane Mediations. Sign up on the right to receive updates from Denise straight to your inbox. You can read Part 2 of the “Time to Talk” series here.